


Where Did The Time Go

by ulteriormotive



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied abuse, M/M, Mental Abuse, Then again my life is sad, This Is Sad, This is just my life story projected through Karkar, implied suicide, vent - Freeform, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 20:10:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10601346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ulteriormotive/pseuds/ulteriormotive
Summary: Days became blurs. Hours felt like minutes. Minutes felt like seconds. Seconds felt nonexistent. You felt nonexistent. Invisible. No one heard you. Your family blamed you, guilted you, made you feel wrong.





	

This was it. You were finally going to do it. Finally you could watch the ocean of red flow over the mountains on flesh as it lulled you to sleep. Voices were screaming at you "don't close your eyes, don't fall asleep", but you couldn't help it. Up to this point you let life push you around and bully you into submission. Making you replace your emotions with fear and sadness which you hid with anger. Because in this family, anger is all they felt. 

It all started at the end of sixth grade, when your life spiraled down. Your parents always made you feel guilty. Telling you the reason they were alone was your fault. If that was really true, then the reason they broke up was your fault. They always seemed to find reasons to get angry at you, to yell at you and break you down. Break you down till you were a quiet, shy kid with no voice. No voice to say what you really wanted. Though, in all fairness, you didn't know what you wanted. It felt like you didn't deserve anything. Which you never did. Your parents made sure of that. You couldn't ask for things without strings attached. They would hold whatever you asked for against you, using the excuse of "I bought you this and now you're going to be ungrateful if you don't do this for me". But that isn't how it should be for a scared eleven year old. They should feel like they can ask and talk to their parents without the fear of anger or blackmail. But of course that wasn't how it was for you. 

Seventh grade was what had really done it for you. It was the time you started to change. To question yourself. Who were you? Were you really who you thought you were? 

Are you happy?

More and more you felt self conscious about your appearance and personality. More and more you became hostile to those who wanted to break down the wall that you had spent a year on building up. But when you came home at the end of the day you put your favorite mask on and pretended to be happy with how ways were. At school, around your *friends*, you'd joked about how sad you were and they laughed with you. After all you were the jokester of the bunch, you seemed happy so how could they believe that you were depressed. Even if you laid out hints and started the trails of breadcrumbs, you would never finish because they just wouldn't believe you. 

Soon, your facade started failing, your mom would ask "where did my little girl I used to know go?" and in your head you'd say back 'I'm not a girl'. More irritable and tired you became, the more your grades started to slip and your relationships started to crumble. 

Some point in seventh grade you had met a girl online. Vriska. She was from Utah and you had a lot in common. You two had met on a chatroom with many others. It was a whole new experience for you. She seemed so- beautiful in her own way. Your world became more vibrant when you talked to her. You weren't afraid to talk to her and she wouldn't judge. You two became exclusive. You remember one time you were near the border of anxiety attack because you thought she was mad at you for not replying to her texts for so long. She said she wasn't, but somehow you knew she was. After a while, she became more possessive and jealous. More helicopter-y. Always wanting to know who you were with and what you were doing. She would get mad of you were hanging out with anyone in real life. You put a stop to it. Or so you thought. You told her you needed a break and that you weren't in the right state of mind to be dating, she seemed to understand. But she misinterpreted it you suppose. 

One day, you were in another chat room with her and mentioned something along the lines of a crush. She stated she was in disbelief and left. You dismissed it. You couldn't deal with her bullshit right now. Later that week she came back and mentioned she wanted harm done on you and was over the top on how she wanted your life to become worse. You cried yourself to sleep that life. You just wanted to be done with the manipulation. 

You lived with toxic people so you were attracted to toxic people. Toxicity is what you were familiar with. 

Your world lacked color again. 

Your mentality during eighth grade was like teared skin. Forced into therapy and medicine and happiness that you worn strained. Forced to submit. You were done. 

Your father was and is an alcoholic. He was abusive towards your mother emotionally and physically. He was abusive towards you mentally. His first response to everything you said was anger. You tried to tell him things you felt and he would listen, but he wouldn't hear you. He'd just yell. You'd ask for things from him and your mom told you that you were being unreasonable. But he was unreasonable to you all his life. You mom would say that at least you had a dad and that her's was never around. Your dad never felt like he was around. He had the mental responsibility of a nine year old. He never acted like a father to you. He'd pay child support and buy you a few things and cook you dinner once a week, but he wasn't there. He wasn't there for you. Not once has he listen to you or try to understand you, he was just angry at you. Angry at you for existing. 

Everyone was angry at you. 

During eighth grade you gotten lucky. You had somehow acquired a new group of friends over the internet. And you became lovesick. You had met some of the greatest people and they met you feel like you belonged. 

They made you happy. 

And one of them in particular made you feel special. Made feel like you were worth something. For once you felt satisfied. It all ended pretty soon. 

Days became blurs. Hours felt like minutes. Minutes felt like seconds. Seconds felt nonexistent. You felt nonexistent. Invisible. No one heard you. Your family blamed you, guilted you, made you feel wrong for how you felt. And you were wrong. 

Your mom became more violent. More angry at you for talking or thinking. She'd find ways to make you seem like a criminal. She was a widow spider. She'd lull you into a false sense of security to only bring her fangs down. You could never play the victim card, but she could guilt you, blame you, yell at you, scar you, call you names and insult you, ruin your fucking life and kill you off slowly. 

Jokes on her though, you were already dying. 

At least you had him. Him as in your love. God, he made you feel- appreciated. Loved. Happy. Beautiful. But you knew you weren't beautiful or happy or any of that. You were disgusting. Your mind too dark, your body to slobby, your face too chubby, your personality too obnoxious. But fuck if you didn't love that buffoon of a clown. His smile shined and his words brought you joy. He was so real. So true. 

As these paragraphs get shorter, your life gets shorter. And this is where you start to apologize. 

You're sorry for everything. You're sorry for not being there when your friends needed you. You're sorry for being a nuisance to your parents, making them waste money on you for you to survive, making you mother go through the pain only to find out you a disappointment and disgrace to your bloodline. You're sorry for the pain you are about to bring to your friends. But you can't take it anymore. Life is becoming a chore. It's becoming suffocating. You love and care for most, but you can't take it. 

Now, it's over. You're drowning in red. And you can breathe now. You feel free and can breathe. 

And the last thing you think about is him. And you smile a genuine smile for once.

**Author's Note:**

> :^)


End file.
